Five good reasons NOT to make love
And how to make better than you ever imagined when you do!
Lovemaking is a most natural and normal act for a loving couple, fostering intimate connection and shared pleasure. It also has the potential to open us to a deep connection and union with the divine, with the Source of all. Yet human sexuality is complex and people engage in love making for many reasons other than love, pleasure or spiritual union.
Here are five good reasons NOT to make love.
Under pressure from your partner
Consent is a big issue at the moment, and it is important. Our advice is clear, only make love when you know in your heart that this is what you want. Saying “no” to your partner is not rejecting them, but honouring your needs and feelings. If your partner says “no” to you, this is not rejection. They are simply honouring their feelings and needs and the most loving thing you can do is respect them.
Pressure can be obvious and external, as when one partner pesters the other for sex. Perhaps you just want a cuddle and your partner wants more.
Or, pressure can be subtle and more internal, such as when you make love simply to please the other or if you fear rejection if you say no.
One of the biggest reason couples consult us, is because there is a mismatch in sexual desire. The way through such a situation is to share openly about feelings and needs and, if the issue is causing serious friction, consult a couples therapist. There are better ways to resolve this issue than giving in when it is not what you want… or putting your loved one under pressure.
Out of habit or duty
Many cultures and religions place a duty or expectation on couples to make love. Go forth and multiply says the bible.
We once worked with a Hindu man, married with children, who was, in fact, gay. Despite his orientation, he felt obliged to have sex regularly with his wife. “It is my duty,” he told us.
For many other couples, lovemaking has become no more than a habit, something they do on a Saturday night. The actual act of love has become cursory and routine.
Making love out of duty or habit is desensitising and numbing. It is like habitual or comfort eating where the food is consumed but not really tasted or appreciated. We sense a progression with many couples who work with us – from the passion of “new relationship energy”, to habit or duty, to losing the desire to make love at all. We find it sad that the beautiful gift of loving sexual intimacy fades away like this for so many couples. There is no need for such a progression. Lovemaking can be a beautiful pillar of a long term relationship… even into old age.
To relieve stress
When we make love, and particularly at orgasm, a potent cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters is released. The “high” we feel, fuelled by this cocktail, can seem like a great antidote to stress. Boys, in particular, tend to learn at a young age to use the release of masturbation as an emotional safety valve.
In effect, when we use lovemaking to release stress it becomes little more than a drug and like tranquillisers, alcohol or recreation drug use, carries the same risks of dependency and desensitisation.
At an energetic level, if we use sex simply to relieve stress, what we are really doing is dumping our stress and negative energy onto our partner – hardly a loving or intimate act!
If you are carrying a lot of stress in your life, this is an issue you need to resolve. There are far better ways to manage stress than offloading it onto your partner.
To “resolve” an argument
You see this a lot in the movies. There is a blazing row and next moment the couple are locked in passion. Many couples try to use sex as a way out of relationship difficulties. It doesn’t work.
What happens is that the hormones take over, propel you through the act of love making itself and leave you in an afterglow… for a while. When the glow fades, the problems are still there. We have known couples carry on like this for years – desperately unhappy but punctuated by brief episodes of sexual intimacy.
Using lovemaking to try to resolve relationship issues is really about denial and avoidance. Talk and listen to each other, see a couples therapist if necessary, make changes and if all else fails end the relationship. When things are clear between you and your hearts are open… then head for the bedroom.
To play out a fantasy in your head
Truly intimate and pleasurable lovemaking calls for both partners to be fully present to themselves and each other. If either partner is playing out a fantasy in their head, then they are not present. They are, in fact, simply using their partner. Take for example a couple we worked with a while back, where the man no longer considered his wife to be attractive, so he shut his eyes and imagined he was with a “teen bombshell”.
It is a different matter altogether when a couple openly and consensually role play a fantasy. Fantasy is important. It is part of the fabric of our sexuality. For anyone interested in personal development or spiritual growth, sexual fantasy is an important gateway to the unconscious or shadow side of our being. However playing out stories in your head during lovemaking, or using fantasy to tune out of an unsatisfactory relationship situation is not a good foundation for loving intimacy.
So why make love?
To us, lovemaking is a something truly sacred. We say it is a sacrament – something that brings us into contact with that which is sacred. We see lovemaking a special gift of the universe – something to be treasured and approached with joy, wonder and reverence.
We believe that beyond the satisfaction of mere hormonal drives, beyond the playing out of often unconscious motives described in this article, there is a level of expression of lovemaking that can deeply transform our being, our relationships and our life as a whole.
When we approach love making more as a sacrament, it offers the possibility of connecting in incredibly deep intimacy with our partner. It becomes not just a meeting of genitalia, but a meeting of hearts and ultimately of spirit.
In such lovemaking, we have the potential to know ourselves more deeply too. In fully expressing our desire and our pleasure, we in fact express and nourish our connection with the flow of Life itself. In such lovemaking we can also meet and integrate our hidden parts, our shadows and unconscious blocks. In coming to know ourselves better, we more fully embody our true essence and embodying our essence we are better able to manifest our daily life as an expression of our deep life purpose.
And at the deepest level of engagement with lovemaking, this beautiful and natural act becomes a alchemical practice in which all the polarities of self and other, feminine and masculine, mundane and divine etc dissolve into union with the infinite.
The Alchemy of Intimacy
Lovemaking as a Sacrament
Three live online workshops starting May 16
How to reclaim the sacredness of lovemaking?
When lovemaking becomes a sacrament, a sacred act in which both partners are deeply present to themselves, to each other and to that which is beyond them, a radiant energy field is brought into being with the power to radically transform your life... and the world you live in.
This principle was well understood by ancient traditions such as Taoism, Tantra and Egyptian spirituality. It is also often glimpsed by couples in moments of intimate connection. Sadly, Christian tradition since medieval times has suppressed this beautiful knowledge and stigmatised this most natural and sacred of human acts as "sinful".
How to reclaim the sacredness of your lovemaking? It is not about candles, incense and sitar music. It is about being together in the alchemical fire of love. It is about being willing to dive so deep into intimacy that you are no longer afraid to lose yourself. Then your lovemaking will be the union between your Sacred Masculine and your Divine Feminine, fully embodied and in resonance with what lies beyond your bodies.
To get to this jewel of love making, you need to be willing to face your shadows and reveal your vulnerability to your partner. Your partner needs to be willing to stay with you when those moments arise. You will need to mirror this for your partner when this happens for them too.
Two bodies, two hearts and two souls in sacred union merging as one with Source.
This is the true meaning of sexual intimacy. When you are willing to dive so deep into intimacy that you are no longer afraid of losing yourself, you radiate light from the infinite Source of Love and miracles happen - in your life, in your relationship and in the world.
To guide you on this path and to help you transform your lovemaking into a sacrament, we offer a programme of three online workshops The Alchemy of Intimacy. Each workshop is three hours long. There is one for women, one for men, and one for couples who have attended the first two workshops.
For women, this programme will guide you to awaken to the beauty and depth of your sexuality and move beyond deep-seated fears and wounding in relation to the masculine.
For men, this programme will guide you to become a more aware and empowered lover, move beyond self-gratification and channel your sexual energy for spiritual evolution.
For couples, this programme will open the gateway to deeper trust and intimacy and kindle the alchemical fire of spiritual transformation in your love making.
Perhaps you resonate deeply with these words. perhaps you are just curious. Perhaps you are, in fact, sceptical. Perhaps even there is some fear about what might be unleashed if you go there… Wherever you are coming from, we suggest to you that there is more, far more, to the simple act of lovemaking that meets the eye, and we invite you join our programme The Alchemy of Intimacy to discover just what that is.
The Alchemy of Intimacy
Lovemaking as a Sacrament
Three live online workshops starting May 16
About Inner Union
Inner Union was created by Kalyani and Nick as a container for the emotional healing and spiritual growth work they have developed together over the last ten years.
The heart of this work is inner union - the meeting within you of the masculine principle and the feminine principle. When unified within, feminine and masculine have the power to transform your outer relationships opening you more fully to love and intimacy.
Kalyani is a coach who leads people to awaken to the fullness of who they are, going beyond past wounds and trauma, and opening to the gifts of being alive as a spiritual being in a human body.
Nick is an author and mentor committed to the path of self-cultivation whose inspiration is
drawn from Eastern spirituality, stoicism, and the martial arts. He supports people to live from their highest virtue as a force for good in the world,
Kalyani and Nick live and practice as a conscious couple embodying the principles of sacred inner union. They live in the south of France where they run the La Source retreat centre. La Source and the work they offer there are a manifestation of the power and sacredness of love.